Designer Plush - Office Cronies by nottaTOY

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“My strategy is to increase retention by decreasing attrition. I contribute little or nothing to the company, and it boggles the mind that I’ve gotten this far. Wanna see my bonus check?”

I have the corner office because I deserve it. I have a lot of weight on my shoulders. It’s my job to make sure we keep our eye on the ball. I see to it that we focus on the low-hanging fruit instead of trying to boil the ocean. Thanks to me, our company puts out high-impact, forward-thinking, and bleeding edge products and solutions. Sure my team did all the work, but damn, don’t I look good in this suit? Feel it, but don’t crinkle it. Handmade in Italy.

Well, I’ve got a hard stop for my next meeting. I have a big prezzo for the board. I’m unveiling my new plan for right-sizing, since it’s all top-of-mind these days. After that 30-minute meeting, I have a tee time at 10. Big day.

The Stuffie Details

About 10 inches tall
About 10 inches wide (arm-to-arm)
Sharp threads, including power tie
A nifty badge on back with Empty Suit’s name and infamous quote
Flat bottom so that Empty Suit can stand for easy display
Made with a durable nonwoven material
Polyfill stuffing
For big kids aged 15+
Intended for people with good taste and an elevated sense of humor

Encounters with a Real Empty Suit

A friend of mine had a meeting with a VP level executive to help create a slide deck for the next fiscal year. Of course, every great leader must have a mind-blowing strategy to start the year out right. My friend eagerly waited as the executive carefully thought how to properly word the manifesto. With a straight face and all the confidence in the world, the executive proclaimed, “My strategy is to increase retention by decreasing attrition.” Needless to say, that line of “strategery” genius never made the slide deck cut. But it did make the badge of our very own Empty Suit stuffie. – Shay from Austin, TX

Wanna Vent?

If you want to call out an Empty Suit of your own and tell us how they live up to the name, send us your woeful tale. Keep it to a short paragraph or two. If it’s clean and funny, we might just post it! For the protection of all egos involved, and because we have a small legal budget, please keep real names (people and companies) out of the line of fire.